Now Hear This

I'm sure most of you reading this blog know that Sean has continuously failed hearing tests for his right ear since birth. While in Hawaii the Drs told us that he would never need a hearing aid due to his hearing being 100% in his left ear. As time has gone by, and speech has developed, it became very clear that his speech was and is being effected. He has a muted tone and although he is able to communicate, those who aren't used to being around him cannot understand him.

We had his hearing checked here in NY by the Rochester Hearing and Speech center which is partnered with the Rochester School for the Deaf. Kevin was unable to come to the appointment with me because he has just begun working.

The news I received was devastating to a mother.  Sean has now been classified as legally deaf. His hearing in his right ear is measured as severe to profound and his left ear is not 100% as we were told in HI. His left ear measures moderate to severe. Sean will need hearing aids for the rest of his life.

The rest of his life. The. Rest. Of. His. Life.

I can still hear those words echoing in my head. I can sit here and recall everything going dark as the specialist told me this. Not my kid. Not my Seany. No. This isn't happening. It can't be. They have to be wrong. She's lying. Why is she lying. Hawaii said he was fine. Why is she lying. Sandi, you knew something wasn't right, that's why we are here, why are you fighting this???? BECAUSE HE'S MY LITTLE SEANY BUG!!!!!!

I remember going over the different aid options, scooping up my baby and leaving the office. We walked down the hall as several pre-k kids filed into the cafeteria for The Rochester School For The Deaf Pre-K graduation. Sean said hi to each kid. It broke my heart. If he can talk, if he can hear, why are they suggesting  that he not go to school with the other two and attend this school? He can hear! He can talk!

My greatest fear has ALWAYS been that one of them would be held back in school or something. They can't! They are triplets. I don't ever want any of them to feel different. They can't!

I called my husband in a panic as I sat in the parking lot (Sean was watching Nemo, his favorite DVD) and I cried my eyes out. My voice caught in my throat as I tried to choke out the words, "legally deaf, hearing aids for life." Kevin broke. He had all of the same questions I did. I couldn't talk to him anymore.

I called my mom. She's always been able to try to calm my fears and rationalize. (*Thanks mom!) What she said made sense. Yes, I do want him to get the best care out there. Yes, I want that care so he can function in society and thrive. BUT HE'S MY BABY! HE CAN'T BE DEAF! My mom cried with me.

I called my mother in law. She cried with me.

I cried alone. I cried until my husband came home. Not our baby.

I still cry when one of the specialist call to set up an appointment for him.
I still cry when his school calls to talk about new therapy.
I still cry when I'm all alone and start thinking about it.

I don't want him to be different. I don't want him to be picked on. Kids are cruel.

Yes, I know the aids are the best thing for him and yes, I've listened to the experts and made every appointment possible. But I am still mourning this....the loss of my child's hearing. I feel guilty. The Drs here said if he was born here there is no way they would have let him go this long without aids. They said he would have been wearing them since birth. I am angry at Hawaii. I am angry that he has to go through this. Is this my fault? He was a preemie. I took meds to stop contractions so many times, but I had to or they would have been born so much earlier.

I pray. I ask God to watch over my baby. I ask him to continue to bless him. I ask God to help me find peace...it could be so much worse. And I am thankful that it's just hearing.....

We wait. We wait to get fitted for the aids in the next 2 weeks.....


*thanks for letting me rant*